I think I am going to close this journal in a few days. I am tired of the comment spam and trying to moderate it. Honestly, anyone who takes the time to create spyware, viruses and other random computer ailments should suffer some painful injury.

I’ll post a link soon.

It’s been a long time since my last entry.

Not much has occurred since the last time I wrote. Most of last week was spent at home in bed. For some strange reason, I had an allergic reaction to [insert unknown thing here], which resulted in days covered in hives. It was actually pretty terrible.

I’ve felt somewhat empty recently and I am not sure why. Perhaps it’s because I feel as if I haven’t been living as deliberately or carefree as desired. I see Rob enough when he isn’t busy, but I have hardly visited with Rich and Nick. What happened to just getting together and doing something enjoyable? Isn’t that what summer is for? Living easy, doing things that we wouldn’t while at school? I can’t wait to go to Alabama. Maybe I need to get away from this small town existence for a while.

So, I got into Gettysburg.

For all intents and purposes, I should be jumping off the freaking walls, but it seems like the past two semesters have made me numb. I suppose this more like a relief than some sort of thrill. And it spurs a number of unanswered questions… Will I be happy there? What will I major in? Will I have a roommate? What if this is the wrong choice… again? It’s difficult to accept that no one can answer these inquiries now and that I will begin a new adventure this fall. Honestly, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared.

So, I’m twenty. Weird.

That’s pretty much all I have right now.

When did it become May 1st? I’m glad this semester is almost over. It has basically been hell on earth.

The past few days have initiated a bit of thinking and questioning. Mostly about fate and destiny. Do things really happen for a reason? What is the purpose of today? How will the present effect my future? I wish I knew.

When I woke up this morning, I knew I had had a weird dream, but couldn’t remember most of the details. As the day went on, bits and pieces came back to me. It was actually very comforting– the dream, that is. Odd, yet soothing.

Bucknell rejected me. Not that my life depended on going there, it just basically destroyed any sort of confidence I had left. No school wants me because I am obviously not good enough. Though, I started and completed my application for Johnson & Wales in Rhode Island. At this point, I am seriously considering going to culinary school.

Where did I go wrong? I thought I was doing the right thing this semester. Too bad no one is here to comfort me.

Today was probably one of the hardest of my life.

I kept myself from sobbing through most of the funeral mass, but when my grandfather said his good-byes and kissed the casket at the grave site, I was done. My cousin, who is a staff sergeant in the military and was in full uniform, saulted in honor of my grandmother and it was wonderfully beautiful and tragic. We didn’t actually see the burial, but the cemetary she will rest in is gorgeous.

She was such a large part of my life as a child and as an adolescent– it is devastating to think that I will never hear her voice again. Not having her around in Florida makes me feel as if something is constantly missing.

Hopefully I’ll be able to visit my grandpa later this summer, maybe even with Rob. He was so strong this week, he never faltered– I suppose he is somewhat relieved that she is now at peace. I mean, she had been hospitalized for the past month: incoherent, in pain. The triple bipass was just too much for her to handle. It was all downhill from there.

I’ll love her always and miss her dearly.

My grandmother passed away yesterday… And besides the fact that I am completely devastated, I just called every person in my phone book who I thought meant something to me and no one answered. That’s Nick, Rich, Heather, Sarah, Garrett. My boyfriend didn’t even call my until today, even though I asked him to yesterday. He didn’t even ask me what happened, what my plans were. I just need to be comforted right now more than ever, but I am alone and I cannot rely on anyone being there for me anymore.

I had a few dreams last night, most of which I barely remember. Though I did recall having a camera in one of them. This is from one of those dream dictionaries: “To see a camera in your dream, signifies your desires to cling on and/or live in the past. Alternatively, it may represent you need to focus on a particular situation. Perhaps you need to get a clearer picture or idea.” Pretty accurate.

So I should hear from my prospective colleges throughout May and June. Maybe things will actually work out this time. I mean, what are the odds of Gettysburg rejecting me twice in a row? Hm. Also, I’ve decided that if this whole college thing doesn’t work out, I’m going to culinary school.

A few of my friends were home for Easter this weekend. It sad how out of place I feel with them– we have all grown so far apart. No one really asked how I was doing, granted I doubt anyone really wanted to under the circumstances/in that setting. Whatever.

I miss Rob.

Well, I think Richmond has officially severed me from itself. I can no longer access my SpiderMail account, which is somewhat annoying since I’ve been keeping in touch with a few of my old professors that way.

I am feeling awfully anxious and melancholy today. I need a lot of things: money to pay my debts, a college to call my own, a definite date for Rob’s formal and most importanly, summer time. These things cannot come soon enough.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother reaching out to people when they don’t even want to humor me. I am naive for thinking all individuals desire my company. I’m tired of having fair-weather friends.