For the last three days, I have been living on various kinds of tea and whatever I can find in my family’s kitchen. My existence is very sad. Though interestingly enough, tea has the ability to make me feel joyful and absolutely careless. Curious, n’est pas?

I started class last night. It felt odd attending a college course in my high school. When I walked into the room, I couldn’t shake a feeling of awkwardness, as I inspected my classmates. Most of the people there were alumni of my high school, many of which wouldn’t have recognized me. But I recognized them. My professor is a young man, no older than 32. Wearing jeans and New Balance sneakers, he started class by saying, “Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let’s learn!” I noticed that his voice tended to jump an octave when he became excited. That happened a lot over the course of three hours and ten minutes. As a whole, the event was completely surreal, as if I had regressed in age and was sixteen again.

Many of my personal issues stem from taking things personally, holding grudges, and not letting go. I wish I knew psychology. I wish I could figure out why the human mind works a certain way. Perhaps this is a classic ‘Nature v. Nurture’ discussion. Can an individual be inclined to act a specific way based on one or the other? Or is a personality created through the interaction of both components? Just asking.

There is nothing worse in life than remaining stagnant, idle, still.

Outside my window, bare branches shiver in the harsh winter air and a grey starkness blankets the sky. It is difficult to go outdoors. The weather is uninviting, as one can distinctly feel the malice and spite of the wind. At least it is snowing; I can find some consolation in this fact. Like a scientist, I examined the snowflakes, looking for their intricate lace-like patterns. Unfortunately there weren’t any; I shouldn’t expect much from the first snow of the year. I’ll have to give Mother Nature some time to sort herself out and adjust to this change.

In August of 2005, I began my freshman year at the University of Richmond, my first choice school. Excited and thirsty for a new way of living, I entered college with high expectations. It was soon that I realized Richmond was not the place for me. As a person who likes being sober, it became difficult to find individuals with the same feeling. I felt alienated and alone; often eating by myself and spending my weekends in my room. I knew what college life could be like. Many people from my hometown had found their niches in school: friends, companions, confidantes. And I felt like a freshly caught fish, gasping for air and flopping desperately on a boat deck, while everyone stared.

It seems like Richmond has a way of stifiling and suffocating people who cannot find their niche. When prompted, it can deem individuals unworthy and nullify their existence. The feeling is so intense, heavy and overbearing; if you do not belong somewhere, you belong nowhere. The last year and a half has affected me in ways I cannot even begin to describe. I became a person I never wanted to become.

I began the transfer process this past fall of 2006 after returning to a place I already hated. In the middle of the semester, I had a relapse of a genetic auto-immune disease I was diagnosed with in the sixth grade due to stress and situational depression. After having surgery and missing three weeks of class, I returned to Richmond to complete the semester. It was difficult, the most difficult time of my life. I cried constantly, at all hours of the day. I cried on the phone with my boyfriend, I broke down in front of both my professor and Core class, I sobbed while visiting the school psychologist, I shed many tears in my car in the early hours of the morning, as I contemplated driving away and never returning.

This winter break hasn’t been easy either. Waiting for decisions from my transfer schools has been nerve wracking, waiting until January 5, 2007 for three out of four decisions has been even worse. To make a long story short, I wasn’t accepted to my first choice school and a list of cons the size of arm is keeping me from going to my second and third choices. So, this spring semester will be spent at home; something which I never thought I would do. This is such a terribly frightening proposition.

It is difficult to believe the direction in which my life is going. I never planned to be in this place. I never wanted to end up this way, but I am here now. I guess that’s what is most important at this point.

First entry using Wordpress. I was always a Greymatter girl, so customizing this theme was a little challenging. However, after working with it for two or three hours and with the help of a few tutorials, I think I understand it better. I have also validated my XHTML markup and will begin working on what is needed for my CSS validation. This should be fun, expect more entries soon.