I went to see the Goo Goo Dolls and Ben Folds in concert this past weekend at Bucknell and Muhlenberg, respectively. Yea, it was fun. Besides that, I have very little to talk about. This week has been work at AE, transfer applications, calling colleges, and feeling generally unnoticed and alone.

Oh, and the Dave Matthews Band summer tour dates came out yesterday. They’re horrible and I am so mad at Dave right now. Not that it matters, I wouldn’t have had enough money to go to multiple concerts anyway.

Ugh.

I’ve been in an odd mood lately.

Maybe it’s my family, the cold and wintry weather, applying to college for the third time, or going no where fast– I don’t know. I almost regret leaving Richmond. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe I wasn’t open enough. Perhaps I wanted and expected too much. It could just be that I’m high maintenance. Being here makes me want to rethink every single decision I’ve made since last year. I am suffocating.

I miss Rob already. Although I’ll be going to Bucknell this weekend to visit him, it didn’t make his departure any easier. He makes me want to wake up in the morning and he gives me the motivation to get through the day. I always feel somewhat lost without him around, as if I am somewhat emptier. Rob makes me believe that there are still good, honest, caring people out there– and that love can transcend time and overcome distance. The summer will be wonderful, I know it. We need to take a long vacation together.

I realized earlier this evening that it has been ages since I’ve written anything. Most of the following is just catch up material and an anxiety induced rant.

1. I accidentally backed up into the car of a girl I knew from high school.
2. Heather and Claire slept over my house last week, and it was good to see them again. We went to Stew’s, the Danbury Mall and had lunch at Kathleen’s Tea Room in Peekskill. The previous weekend, we had taken a train down to New York City, visited the American Museum of Natural History and had dinner on Colombus. It was lovely.
3. Rob came home for his spring break this week. I have never been so happy to see him.
4. There has been a great deal of tension in my family– never this much in my entire life. It makes me regret being home and not going off to DC for school. Once the summer rolls around it will be easier since Rob will be home and I won’t miss him as much.
5. My grandmother had a triple bi-pass today. She’s fine, just recovering. I don’t know if Rob and I will be able to visit my grandparents in May liked I had wanted.
6. I am in the process of applying to schools. The list is: Gettysburg College, Haverford College, and Bucknell University. Hopefully this semester will bring me better fortune. I cannot possibly comprehend any alternative.

I hate how people like to pawn themselves off as my friends and then only talk to me when it’s convenient for them. I mean, the last time I talked to Sarah or Shumon, they were asking me for rides to Bucknell for the Goo Goo Dolls concert. They wanted me to go completely out of my way to satisfy their needs. I just don’t understand why Sarah couldn’t call me last week– I found out from my aunt yesterday that she was home for spring break. I’m rotting away at home and she doesn’t even think to call to catch up. If I actually knew before hand that she was going to be home, I would have tried to hang out, etc. But no one seems to give a damn about where I am right now. I am so fed up with their inability to care and their ability to fake a smile when they see me. I hate the formalities and the unnecessary hugs. The pretentious “Oh, how are you?”s and small bits of plastic reassurance. The exclusions from certain outings and secret gatherings that I only learn about later. I just want someone to tell me the truth– that I am disposable, unwanted and unneeded. I’d rather someone get it out in the open than pretending that I am actually missed.